even in a place you feel like home…
between people you call friends…
amongst views you see so familiar…

If you stand still because of you, you will only fall because of yourself
And you will never get lost because of others.

Those who never leave them self, wouldn’t even travel along,
…will not gonna understand finding it.

By: me

Because you want the logic when i told you how i feel.
Because Im angry you dont hear how my heart been crying.

Because you want me to reach your feeling when i try to understand it with logic.
Because im hurt to keep faill in reaching you.

Because you cry when i told you i give up.
Because i give up when you keep pushing me away with your attitude.

Because you said its my problems for unable to said out loud.
Because i dont know advantage to keep saying when theres no progress.

Because we say;
“I love you”
just to close it down.

No body listening, none of us.
No body change, none of us.
No body try hard but both of us leave it.

One just pass it away and live the life normally as nothing happen; because things supposedly finish just by discussions. Tho no solution and commitment to progress it. And we all can just faking that we still owns the love.

One just swallowed it and live the life to forget it. Each day try to press down the whole package of the problems. Include burying the love. And try more to bury deeper.

I can not be with you, for the millions time i told you, and im still telling you now.

Maybe you just not listening.. how can you if you just saying “i know i should try harder” to skipped it.
Maybe you just not seeing… how can you if you admit you been disconnected with me soo many times, and then what?
Maybe you just dont want it.. how can you if you think the solution should be giving a space for us
Maybe you just right… how can you be wrong because i been having all the critics and comments.
Maybe you just wrong.. how can you be right, when it soo easy to say “sorry i hurt you” again and you keep hurting the same way…again

If you cant listen and understand, maybe it just me.
I should tell myself out loud so I can show you…

I can not be with you

Her free spirit that amaze him; his shyness & seriousness that attract her.

Yes, he was be a bit reserved during the first few weeks of their togetherness but she help him lose his shyness. From the stories, she is (likely & mostly) initiate the romance since he is more receptive. In fact, she continue leading all through the relationship.

Then she finds out, He soften some of her energy.
As exchange, she seek what gap she need to fill in for him;
” Ill to make sure he doesn’t get bored!’ she said, with her excitement mind, almost yelling

Because, she noticed, he have his routine, security and comfort. To her, routine equal boredom. So does security and comfort, for that matter. And if there’s one thing she hates, it’s being bored.

So she went, she popped this idea, to come up with new projects and he offered him to provide the plans and focus to successfully complete it.
He must collects heaps of information before making a decision to act on it or not, tho… He didn’t realize, she is always in a hurry and has to do everything right now.
While she couldnt see, that on the other hand, he takes his own sweet time to fully understand a situation, measuring, measuring, measuring to resuming, then…take a particular and moderate action.
She burned out, because she likes to get things done yesterday, while he always plans for the future. In the meantime, she notice, she does have a hard time of his inability to finish anything he started.

I giggle myself when i know, one time, she thinks he is just immovable objects; simply a things to kick aside, or melt with the charming force of her flame.

Amazingly, they both very cautious, in love, relationship and all the other matters in life.

But, of course, still, she’s the one who may (often) fall as a result of her too rash decision.
Unfortunately; he usually respond in a “I told you so” manner.
Yes, I can see, her point of view that he can give stability and dedication to her ambitions.
But, she help in bringing some more excitement in his boring life.
I see, she puts in a lot of effort to spice their togetherness.
He should see this quality as a positive thing rather than being critical about it.
I supposed its doomed for her? Maybe, but maybe not.
Well, If he can accept her enthusiasm (not practical) it might just work.

She is hard-headed, while he is stubborn.

She shoves – he sits.
She pushes – he grumble.
She demands – he digs in.
She weeps – he walks.

yet, when she smiles – he soften.
when she persuade – he cuddle.
when she hugs – he beam
when she seduce – he flattered

The way i read it, it’s (mostly) always she who initiates the first move between them

She is extravagance, he is bloody cheap.
She wants excitement, he keep finding peace and quiet.

They don’t admit… but
She’s actually a Jealous person, and He is possessive.

For her, passions, is a form of release – mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.
For him? I should ask him, but, its his concern DOH!
She told me, together, they have the passions, anywhere from the deep down in the sea to a bunk bed.
Funny thing, she whinge that she have to always (mostly) aware that he doesn’t fall asleep just when she’s ready for more. So I told her, catch him before he drifts off to sleep, he is very sporty anyway, and so he do require plenty of rest.

After her long whinge and whine story released, she roll her eyes up, (maybe imagining him) and told me….

“(sigh) I know, if he’s handled gently, with consideration for his own feelings, he will stick by me.
He does and will love me through the darkest storms.
He does and i know will, stands like a rock of solid love.
Till now, he covers my miseries…which comes from my own mistakes.
I…always, miss His warm protective blanket of cuddly devotion.”
then…close her eyes…ends it.

I? …wuiih!…

They just have to learn and enjoy the mutual fascination for their very differences.

What a story from white bed sheet where it started

Who can dare such notice?!

I know i can NOT.

It sad, it broke my heart. Funny thing, i come to trust and step in to let go.

Because, it help me to see how the persistency is there, i trust it. Yet if i do trust the persistency, then i should trust that i can not be the one to be persistent for. Weird.  As usual HE work with HIS non logical way.

So i pray, please give me strenght and give others the power to let go.

I imagine it would start with some huge fight of a solid principles that no logic and no feeling can beat, no space allow discussions.

and i suspect this is it ….

this is the one thing…

so Lord, Im ready to let go as it should be. Now carry me to the next level; Make me strong

YOU ARE MY PARTNER, MY HUSBAND, MY MAN, IM YOUR CHILDREN AND THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN.

hand me YOURS

Amen

Somehow…. theres soo much i cant tell u how its been (still) stuck in my heart even.. but in my mind (logic) i know we pass the case so its not fair to still feel hurt.. hhh maybe sometimes, even I said it out loud or talkd about it.

it jst ; not always work to heal. Not always able to keep me optimist or to make me move on.. so, better i’ll keep it. I’ll handle this myself. i did try to talk about how i feel about it to u, stil when it comes up, the memories of the pain still there. so i guess talking about it wont work ..

im sorry. i know we jst hv to keep it cool.

sorry, i wasnt able to keep it cool. and im so sorry i still cant forget about it. i wish i can. its not from ur side; mine.

i mean. i been having it at the back of my head since it happen and i always wish nothing will trigger it out of my mind… but,i think it jst did. Um, im trying to control myself now. um, i cant hold not to tell u.. um… i can even feel its melting me now .. um, slowly dripping into me (the pain) and i can feel im about to blow out

this is not good for our connection in the future. because i actually have not move on; have not get rid of it.

um, i think i need to be off from u, so i wont hurt u more or hurt myself more because the memories will hurt me again and again, i need to ignored all bad influence off me. i really care for my health now, i dont really want to keep having this kind of feeling.. its the same feeling

i can always swallowed things i feel , if u ask me too.. u know i can. i can also still love one, even i torture myself, u know i had that too

u and one encourage me to be honest ya? and i lost one for 5 years, and i dont want to loose u in the same way either… i dont want to loose u like i was lost while i was with one too yaa…

i was jst trying to do my part. Telling u, i still feel soo uncomfortable about it and i still feel hurt about it. BUT, if u say, “hold it nance, lets talk about it later”, yes, i can HOLD it as long as u want, but i was jst telling u, i thought u want me to freely told u how i feel.

And im telling u again now. ITS ME who is not confidence about myself towards u, im not confidence i can trust u for the future and that wont be good for us..

u jst flashing by the stories, but i suddenly observing myself, i realised i havent get over it and i told u my opinion, I will make u suffer more if i keep doing this.

i waste time for one i knew from begining, it wouldnt work, with one. I lost time that i thought i couldve survive yet i didnt with one. I dont know if i should do it with u again, especially when i know now, if im depress i might hurt myself physically

no, its not im being pessimistic. I jst need to survive now, yes im choosing the easy way, not because im lazy and want to avoid problems, i jst dont want to get depress and loose myself and missing my kids while i end up in some hospital

i have soo many things in my mind that i must work on. Relationship is the easy way to distract it and ruin it, knowing that u are not mine , easier for me to accept the fact i shouldnt feel hurt when u didnt even meant to trigger it.

if i dont have problems with my health that so many times it wouldnt cost me days in hospital, YES i would chalange it. But i think escaping is the best way i should do ,, the more i allow myself to compromised with things happen with us, the more i feel im drawn and the more im afraid of my self.

im distracted almost all the time since it happen, but i keep swallowing it, and somehow i know u wont be able to control the trigger too. i dont expect u too tho. i know u, i love u, i dont want u to feel im such pain in the ass all the time.

its painfull and i try to explain, but feelings not logiC to u. and i cant win ur logic argumen and ur logic coaching on me.

im hurt

but i know i love u too and i know well u love me too

but i cant lie im hurt

i dont want to lie no more

but i can if u want me too

that sad me more. A SORRY again

patches… patches, patches

i think i sud say nothing to u. Its gonna be more difficult for me too, we can still be friends and laugh about our silly relationship. I can still cuddle u.. even hmmm…with u , u know. U had that sort connections with others, so can u to me u the one who told me, u had that kind of connection and u are okay with it.

i dont get man!

they call their woman slut and when she turns to be one; they cant accept it

they flirts around and….when their woman jst want to be the flirts victim; they cant take it

stupid!

i can be like one too, if u want , i WANT IT TOO!

dropp u some ganja; got stones and had sometimes with u, drag u to forget any other woman jst the sake of adventures. i can even put long lines of volunteers for that

10 of them; 12 flags; 30 nights;100 shifts!; all together!

tired ay? well mee tooo! im tired with u toooo!

im tired worry about u!

i cant be with u!!!!!!!!!!

my pain is not logic to u, nothing is logic to u

i cant trust u!

And to make ur life easy, its not about U cant be trust.

IM JST psycho!

Remember the ‘attraction games’? It wont work with you. Again bcoz u wont feel bother. But I do. After long up & down journey of open & close relationshit, im tired.

Yes once, it took me in a pose that i abondan you, while u with me. I
told you out loud i have to do it, even it doesnt make ur sense,if
theres anything called ‘feeling’ ever make sense for you.

Yes, i just want u for me,only and all the time be.

I have enough played and being play around.
Yes, im even hurt when u open the invitation, even u dont meant to,
even u dont do it, even. Coz we both know our pesona do work, we each use them well. I know u know it too.

So what if u know well i have more invitation then you, but u just
grab em faster and lot often then me.

No, u not that shy and no, not everyman do it too, for sure u did and stil do, to receive the invitation.

Its not the quantity of the invitation, but the quality of em happen,ONLY when u response. U are not that fool, u do stil doing it.
No, dont you ever think i can accept it, i had experienced such stupid
acceptance. U know what i did? I eat his heart through his bones.

Nor u think its a flattering for you, as if jelousy is a form of someone shows their belonging. Instead, I felt being fool. One did it to me & it hurt me.

Did i tell u i acctualy broke his nose? Not the jelousy that made me violant, the disrespect.
When u see theres invitation, u response to the chance, i dont buy it.
Its disrespect.
Selfish me, tho not logic, i just want you for myself, PUNK!
u better play realy good behind my back or just fuck off!
Hurt & hates you, Me

We better be off
1st. U keep critizicing me which place me as worthless human being.

2nd. U cudnt comfort me when im down being harras front of ur eyes,
while when we apart u been wishing u cud be beside me when im hurt.
That placed me as im not worth to fight for. Or, u just a coward of
consecuences.

3rd. U,me, she knows well,she open an invitation which u reply,
doesnt matter if u finally respon to it, where my understanding her
attention is targeting u, on ur acknowledge. Thats not placed u as u
so preciouse person for me but im placed as ‘i’l take it easy’, i take
it as disrespect of my existence.

4th. We do not have any relationshit according from both our
statement. It place us as nothing in front public.
Yes, we do love each other, but we dont have anything & it should help
ur dipping record & habit. Which i intend not to experience it again.

5th. This logic came to me when im forcing myself to be logicaly think
toward us, not just to accuse 1 person value (as u usualy do to me) It
is logic when im down of loosing a friend jst pass away,then im harras
by a man, i should accept & in the same time to be supportive towards
the person i care about is busy for leaving me alone while accept to
be flirt & planing travel trip between chatting. Oh ya, the lost of
flight ticket was my fault to ask u to come to meet me in the first
place.
It is depressing to know im worthless
any1 can grace me as high as italian man bulshiting the love & d moon
& the sun & stil screwing others.
Its not words im looking for, I hate feeling being worthless.
only real attitude can change how i feel being treat like one. Shut
the fuck up, just show me! Enough talking,I DONT WANT ANY EMAIL REPLY.
Prove it,i dont want to hear it, i want to have it!

*Very Important People (My VIP)
As people, i can not live alone. I thank God, im more independent with this then all the other single people i’ve meet for 30 years back. I had my 17 with romance and all, i’ve passed my 20eth with passions and tears. As im carryng my 30th for setling that area, I become aware that above all, no relationship realy matter, not with any man, any female friends, not with people i work with, not with anyone i so call best friends and the other way. Sounds selfish indeed. Strangely, i dont feel lonely. I missed it sumtimes, i want it, but i just cant feel it no more. It become too dificult to rely and trust someone else.
This is why…
In my 30, No one else matter, in my 30, no one but my roots; all my angels.
Few years ago, in my journey, a good friend told me ; I should back to my roots.
Since then, who ever the man, which ever the best girlfriends, I should leave any relationShit by letting my root lead me when they would come and go. One does care and doesnt hurt my root, would stay, one doesnt, will be put aside in the different box.
I know it still sounds selfish, but i am not just me anymore, of course i had my broken friendships, cheated lovers and all those shit depression. But..it just not that hurt anymore. What i realize, this age keep me focus to whose matter the most in my life, and then after i see my kids on the top list, i see no one but me…no one.
I am extended tree, with growing roots. They are Esther and Kezia. I breath the life within them and they blows back every piece of feeling i need. In my 30, im going to be with them.

*Traveling
Aha! This is me. After God and my kids, then me. What matters about me most. I love traveling. Cheapest i can get, as many places in economical way, and as many time diferent i can passby.
Few days ago a friend describe me; “a person who no one will be able to shut my mouth when im talking about this particular travel organisation”
But this time im traveling, the org. will have huge celebration, do i 1 hundred percent care? Nope.
Yes, no 1 will stop me when im talking about traveler org, but more correctly, no 1 will stop me of traveling, not the org, not the people in it,but the actions. Some should know, i did things and then after,i talks about it. I did my travel before i meet anybody in that org. No one did stop me travels, and at the age of 30, i come to realise, the perfect way to celebrate my traveling passions along with the celebration of this travel org. where i volunteer, is… to do it! To travel! Not just drink and drunk for it.

*the number 30!
The most exicting part. I want to have TWO days of my 30, within TWO time diference, and TWO difrent cöntinents, TWO countries, TWO seasöns, TWO flight in and another Two out.
To leave 20, the number TWO which i just past along the previouse 10 years.

Im having the happiest 30!